1. Carefully prepare the area where you are planning to preform the feeding of the toddler. It is strongly suggested to clear the area of any fragile or expensive items; such as plates, glassware, rugs, lamps, tables, and chairs. A best case scenario is to preform the feeding in a soundproof room with plastic walls, floor and ceiling. Preferably coloured black.
2. Start the preparation of the dinner. Keep in mind the dietary preferences of the toddler. It may take a few tries to create a nutritious meal with the given restrictions which tend to change on a daily basis. Based on comprehensive research and statistical data, toddlers prefer meals that are “not red or green”; “not mushy”; “little crunchy”; “not fishy, or oily, or green” and “definitely not red… Or orange… And yellow needs to be separate from white… And No sauce!”….
3. After spending a number of hours in the kitchen and believing that a nutritious meal is finished, set it aside and start another one. Most likely the first one will not pass the strict toddler meal regulations and will end up on the plastic floor or ceiling (see step #1).
4. When you are finished carefully crafting a second toddler-worthy meal, you may start preparing the toddler for dinner time. This involves removal of any and all dirty objects from hands, mouth and hair; full change of clothes and thorough washing of all extremities. X-ray is highly recommended but not compulsory.
5. This step is crucial. You may need to prepare yourself with anxiety reducing medication, aka wine, or bring in additional help, aka grandmother. Food loving pets are a definite plus.
6. Once the feeding area is prepped, meal one and meal two tastefully plated on colourful unbreakable (!) plates, cartoons turned on and grandma is in position – you may carefully seat the toddler in his high chair. This may prove difficult if the said toddler takes on the well-known “starfish” position, however, with practice and due preparation (see #5) it is doable. Or so I’ve heard.
7. Once the toddler is secured into place, you may start by offering him meal number one. Should the meal pass the visual judgement, the toddler will take the initial taste test. This is when you will be glad you followed the instructions in step one. I also strongly suggest to take cover. You will thank me later.
8. As soon as meal number one completes its free fall from the plastic ceiling onto the plastic floor, you may proceed with offering meal number two. This time, try to distract the toddler from the meal with flying noises, loud cartoons, dancing grandma or news about the Large Hadron Collider.
9. Repeat step number five.
10. During the final step of “How to feed you toddler dinner”, you should witness a happy, content, well-fed toddler that praises your cooking extensively.